I have come to believe that thinking is so uncomfortable that we would rather drown it out than do it.
This year, I am committed to transitioning from a passive consumer of ideas to an active producer, grounded in my own experiences. On paper, the transition has been smooth, but not in reality. I find it tough to get to the crux because I struggle to sit with my thoughts.
The problem is that if I have a free moment to think, I instinctively fill it with some form of input. A run in the morning—high-tempo music. A workout in the gym—a saved fitness podcast. Metro rides—an audiobook someone recommended. A two-hour flight—a book on my Kindle.
On the face of it, this looks like diligent learning. In truth, I am scared of what might come up if I stay with my thoughts.
More than a decade ago, during a ten-day Vipassana retreat, I learned how essential it is to confront our thoughts. With hours of daily meditation and without recourse to communication in any form (except for clearing doubts with the facilitators present), I was forced to confront the very thoughts I had been pushing away. For the first couple of days, my mind stayed on the surface. But somewhere around the third day, everything that I had bottled up came bubbling to the surface. I had nowhere to escape, so I finally listened.
It was scary at first. There were clearly reasons why I had buried these thoughts in the depths of my consciousness. The painful, the joyful, and the hopeful—no thoughts were off limits. By the end of it all, I felt so liberated.
My success was short-lived. Back in daily life, I returned to familiar comforts and buried the thoughts I didn’t want to face. I am now paying the price - by choosing suppression, I never got to resolution. If I truly listen, I might have to express and act. The lack of expression and action has dulled my clarity and left me restless.
Becoming a producer requires listening. As long as I fill every quiet moment with input, that won’t happen. The first step is embarrassingly simple: keep my earphones away.