Growing up, I often saw family members put themselves last. This was especially true for my mom, grandmom, and aunts — all of whom consistently put their husbands, children, and grandchildren before themselves.
There was no doubt in my mind: putting yourself last, especially with family, was the right thing to do. Every now and then, someone would act out. The reasons seemed trivial at best. The outbursts never lasted long, but buried within them were signs — signs of days, weeks, sometimes even years of self-denial.
Until I started working, I don’t think I truly understood what it meant to put others first. I had never experienced the kind of all-round pressure — being exhausted, stressed, and caught in the internal tug-of-war between self-care and selflessness. That's the real test. Even when I didn’t feel like it, I tried to be selfless — honoring the unsaid expectations passed down by the elders in my family.
It was tough. More than that — it was depleting. I often felt resentful. In the moment, because these acts didn’t ease my exhaustion. And in the future, because I expected the same courtesy in return — and rarely got it.
As with many things in life, deeper reflection helped.
I was stressed and exhausted because I wasn’t taking care of myself. And that was my responsibility — one I was neglecting. It felt like a clash of values. How could I take care of myself — wouldn’t that make me selfish — when the goal was to be as selfless as possible?
The game changer was Katie Reed's insight: Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what's left of you. I am of limited use to my family, friends, and the world if I show up stressed, unable to think clearly, and fully spent. Self-care, I realized, isn’t selfish — it’s the first step towards being selfless.
I was also setting myself up for disappointment in the future because my actions were full of covert contracts — unspoken agreements I had silently drafted in my head, expecting something in return for my selflessness. I wasn’t being truly selfless. I was transactional.
So I started with self-care. And I stopped with covert contracts. And it has made all the difference.